The Grand Summation of All Sparks

At this point in our lives, we are the grand summation of all sparks that came before. There were many jobs left irresponsibly unfinished, calls unreturned. But for these iniquities we have not yet been struck from the Earth, despite our shame in leaving all this business unattended to. No one of import has judged us, and those who have done so have had little to no significant impact. We are still on the plane. Somehow, we are still here. Breathing, living, dying, feeling. Funny then, all the worry and regret and frustration and awkward embarrassment that we have felt.

What has it been for?

There have been countless more good things, even for the most supposedly selfish among us. Do you actively remember all the times you held doors open, smiled at strangers, or donated something you cared about? Do you try to conjure up memories daily of the happy, innocent kid you used to be, even if you weren’t that kid every day? Or are you still thinking about adult business unattended to, jobs that remain to be done, and responsibilities you should not have avoided? Weren't we once all smiling kids like the ones we see in parks and strollers and playing with their friends? Ignorance is not an excuse, but innocence is a reason. 

Well, since the only thing that is real is this precise, present moment, both negativity and optimism are factually incorrect figments of our imagination, whether projected into the past or thrown into the future.

The question we should be asking ourselves the very second we wake up every morning: on which side would you rather err? The hardships and the joys are of life are not our fault, but they are our responsibilities, and every single second we have a choice of how to go about things, regardless of what just happened and what is just about to.

Whichever pill you do take, though, it doesn’t really matter. Whether you like it or not, you are who you are: the grand summation of all sparks of both guile and frailty in your own life and in the lives of everyone that came before you. Whichever tablet you choose to swallow doesn’t really matter, but you are better off trying to do what is vital, trying to do what is right, and being positive about it.

Remember: if you’re probably wrong, and it doesn’t matter anyway, on which side you would rather err in your day to day life? Negative, or positive?

Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you don’t have a choice in the matter. You are already the result of great things that have happened, atomically, biologically, and socially.

Make the correct mistake, whichever one it may be.

The District in the Wee Hours: One Day Is Today.

It is about 15 minutes until two in the morning, and at one point it was Wednesday night, but I think now it's Thursday morning. That's how that kind of thing works.

It was what my parents always called "the wee hours of the morning," and it is in these times that, when still awake, one gets to thinking about a lot of the things that maybe don't occur to us at other times of the day.

It is my roommate's birthday today, and so we sat up talking for a while about the segue from college into "real" adulthood and how difficult that can be at times. For us privileged millenials, it can be one of the hardest epochs of our life. More responsibilities, fewer friends abound - things can get a little lonesome at times. But the reality is that we are never alone.

No matter what thought you have, regardless of how uplifting or despondency-inducing, it is an immutable and undeniable fact of the universe that someone has had that exact thought before. Or, at least, someone out there in the vast ether of existence has experienced that same emotional response that you just had. No question. It is without a doubt, indubitable.

After you graduate from college, or in the period following any period of extended, fostered social engagement, you are going to feel alone. That's a fucking fact. You're going to think that you are the only one, you are going to feel lonely. But this really isn't so. As you sit and reflect upon the uniqueness of your existence and thoughts, someone not too far from you - probably, in reality, less than a mile away - is also staring out their window and meditating on the same shitty, unshakable truths. Or, better said, shitty perceptions. Not truths. There's a difference.

Honestly though, this is what comes out in the wee hours of the morning when you only hear people stirring in other rooms that are not yours, in other apartments. You're by yourself in the fifty-first non-state, reflecting on what could have been, what might be, and what probably - in your so-immaculate opinion - never will come to fruition. And how right you must be, oh grand soothsayer.

Oh, how right you must be, with all the things you have gone through.

A wise person once told me there are two kinds of people in the world: thinkers and existers. One group has a lot more fun than the other, but the other knows why.

They know why, but do they understand? Maybe. It depends.

And ambiguity continues to be a way of life, o, thinker. Will you ever figure it out?